Now Taking A Lover Read online

  Can we even hope to be moral in this?

  There is no high ground here

  In the sneaking

  And the whispering even when we are alone.

  We have to face that they won

  That we gave in too soon

  Too easily.

  We played a game not worth playing

  Instead of taking the road to ending

  The travesty perpetrated against us

  We became them

  There is no kindness here

  This should have been a journey

  A trip into something special

  As we tripped and fell

  Into love

  I looked for and found

  Soothing in your arms

  I used and consumed

  As I let you do the same

  But to what end?

  And now it must end?

  Because for all its potential

  This thing we are doing

  Has polluted what we could have permitted into being

  Finding peace in each other

  I’m not going to say it to you

  I won’t tear you asunder so heartlessly

  Like he would

  Like he did

  I won’t say I’m sorry either

  Being better having known you

  And been known by you

  To have a friend who adored me so well

  But we have reached our zenith

  Our parting

  I wish you well

  As I unravel you from my being

  And unravel her form my living

  But I know this is an ending

  A tragedy really

  Good luck unwinding

  And know that you will be missed

  Now taking a lover.

  Seeking eligible male for sexual rendezvous only.

  Woman in need of a lover

  Please forward photo and current certified STI/STD panel to:

  1-268-722-????

  Serious inquires only

  James

  The Agreement

  I hereby agree not to love you

  No deep feelings

  No thoughts of something more

  No “L” word

  I hereby agree not to love you

  To be gone by morning

  To not let our lips touch

  To not gaze too long

  Or too longingly

  I hereby agree not to love you

  Not to wait for your hellos

  Not to say long goodbyes

  Not to miss you

  Ever

  I hereby agree not to love

  To keep my satisfaction physical

  And limit my interest

  To below the belt matters

  Between the sheets matters

  Between my legs matters

  And to all associated matters

  In the interest of the reciprocity of pleasure

  I hereby agree not to love you

  A courtesan’s wager

  A venture into empty intimate

  A foray into sweat and heat and moaning

  That ends in soap and steam

  When I wash you off me

  I hereby agree not to love

  Not to incite conversational journeys

  Into the plane our personal

  No detours into any alley

  Leading from this casual interaction

  I hereby agree not to love you

  Not to seek to own

  Or be owned

  Or be chosen

  Not to be things characteristic of love

  Catching Feelings

  Hard to notice how you snuck in

  How your greetings had me smiling

  How your absence called for longing

  How comfortable was only that with you

  Hard to notice when you snuck in

  With feel goods in the early morning

  And I caught myself waiting

  For our little check ins

  Just calling to see how I would do

  Hard to notice when you snuck in

  When midday sneaking

  Turned to lunch and dinner meetings

  Long talking and sweet reminiscing

  Getting lost in the me and you

  Hard to notice when you snuck in

  When your fingers grazed my cheek

  And your lips lingered softly

  And passion began to burn deeper,

  In somewhere other than our loins

  Hard to notice when you snuck in

  And took me into you

  And similarly made a place for yourself

  Somewhere I cannot give name

  And make this real

  Because you snuck in when I wasn’t looking for love.

  Broken

  Why would you want me?

  This mangled me,

  This unrecognizable farce

  Of the woman I wanted to be

  Why would you want to take on

  All this damaged?

  Insecure and reclusive

  A façade of a person

  A malady made flesh

  Ironic though maybe

  That you should be the one to make me see him

  My Him

  My broken reflection

  In the masculine

  Shattered and scared

  We fit in with all our jangle pieces

  Don’t we?

  Being the same shade of functionally defective

  But know I never meant to hurt you

  I never had a taste for immaculate

  Being so far removed from it

  And finally accepting of it

  And I will not demolish you

  Like I did him

  Here lies an epitaph to us

  This is my divergence

  From the illusion of being someone you could own.

  How it Ends

  Now seeking love.

  Driven Women seeks fulfillment

  No games

  Just call:

  1-268-722-????

  Serious inquires only

  Him

  Familiar

  Touch me there

  You know where

  Just there

  Right there

  Yeah just like that

  Kiss me

  Like you mean it

  Capture my lips and enforce yourself upon me

  Make me yours

  Make me feel like you want me

  Like that

  I know that fire in your eyes

  That light that burns

  Intensifies as the act ensues

  I know it well

  Like a long lost friend

  Glad to see it coming back

  Yes just like that

  That rhythm

  That driving force

  That relentless building

  That catch and release

  Until you’re ready

  But you won’t be ready just yet

  This is settle in for the long ride

  I would be satisfied to never be free of this moment

  Torture me with your knowing

  Mmmm like that

  Just like that

  Administer that playful smack

  Twist that hip just so

  And hit that spot just so

  Just like that

  Like that

  Right there

  Just there

  Where I and you meld

  And dissolve thought in the release

  Yeah like that, just like that

  So She Said…

  “Baby” she sighed,

  “There’s a burden I got to make known

  I want you to hear my side,

  But before I do, let’s set the tone by laying pride aside”

  She started,

  “Baby there is you, but for a time there was him,

  I won’t insult your intelligence

  And say he wa
s nothing, he was something.

  But what he was is not you, me and him,

  We were never us”

  She continued saying

  “It started out as nothing, really nothing.

  We were companions of an intellectual sort

  We took joy in idle conversation,

  That became the heavy precipitation,

  Of deeper meditation,

  Rising from the mutualism of loneliness.”

  Eyes downcast she carried on saying.

  “He found comfort in the simplicity of our interaction,

  It was belly laughs and

  Easy smiles that bought us two closer

  We supplied a mutual shoulder,

  To share the weight of our enigma, you and her….”’

  Pause…she squared her shoulders,

  And continued spinning her tale.

  “In the space between breaths we made the transition,

  From damp shoulders to warm arms,

  Replaced by soft lips flavored with the common need

  For an absentee lover

  He searched for her in the curve of my body and I

  Looked for you in the warmth of his smile,

  But baby I’m soo sorry”

  Words and tears tumbled freely… she related her reason.

  “Baby I don’t mean to call you selfish,

  But while you built your ego a citadel against me,

  With the security of my fidelity a foundation

  Under the brick and mortar of their affectionate praise

  You expected me to lay waiting,

  For you to deem me worthy of your time,

  He wasn’t looking for a return on some investment,

  He found something in the possession of me”

  And in his mind he’s thinking

  How could she misinterpret so blatantly

  Misunderstood so simply

  That he carried her with him,

  Made space in a place too scared to name,

  More intimate than his heart

  More passionate than his spirit

  More epic than his pride…He took her with him

  He lived and breathed her,

  Ate her, loved and dreamed her.

  He was a slave to this empress

  A point it seemed that had failed to impress

  And for all of this, she looked at him expecting reprieve

  Because she said sorry.

  The Conversation

  Then he said:

  “Baby I know I have a funny way of showing it,

  I know it might not always be clear,

  But babe I love you,

  Loved you from the moment you spoke to me

  That first time

  I could feel it, the way our material intertwined”

  So she said:

  “Baby I never meant to hurt you

  Even though you stripped me bare.

  I wanted to impale you on the spike of your own infidelity

  And leave you for dead.

  Baby you hurt, me.

  I knew it when I missed you sitting right beside me.

  But in my redress I only hurt more than I healed

  It’s time to let me go”

  Then he said:

  “I’m the sum of my flaws and I admit that freely

  But you belong to me

  Whether or not you choose to believe me

  I’m yours…I belong to you

  I covet you the way a rich man loves his money

  You are mine”

  So She said:

  “I shouldn’t be afraid of you,

  I shouldn’t fear your absence, or dread your coming

  I shouldn’t hate that I love you

  Or resent my own faithfulness.

  Baby you know I love you”

  They said together:

  “Is that enough?

  Where do we go from here?”

  Then he said:

  “I’ll be your pillar if you let me,

  Flaws and all I’ll try”

  So she said:

  “I’ll be your comfort if you let me,

  Fear and all I’ll try”

  To read more from Michelle Toussaint visit,

  deathbyexpectations.wordpress.com

  whatthehellisreal.wordpress.com